hot chocolate & whip cream

my day started off wonderfully. and it stayed there. all day. =)

see, i've been reading my bible, and wow, God is so good. so good! He has just been showing me so much through his word, and i'm realizing the situation i'm in really is what is best for me and my snow pea. i'm not going to go into in specifics online, but if anyone wants to know more about that feel free to ask me in person.

so some thoughts from james 2...such a good chapter.

"what good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? can that kind of faith save anyone? suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say, 'good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well'—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. what good does that do?"

i love this because it is applicable in so many areas of life! what good does it do for me to tell others i want good things for them and not do good things for them?! it doesn't do any good! it's just words. and talk is cheap because it's our actions that show our true character. anyway, back to james...

"so you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless."

DEAD and USELESS! words are not enough. man, i just love this and how true this is!

"now someone may argue, 'some people have faith; others have good deeds,' but I say, 'how can you show me your faith if you don’t have good deeds? i will show you my faith by my good deeds.' you say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. good for you! even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. how foolish! can’t you see that faith without good deeds is useless?"

man, he just brings it on home. that first part gets me though. it really really does. i just can't get over this faith without deeds thing! i want people in my life who live with their deeds as well as their faith. and i want to be someone like that. and man, God is so good to show me this in a new light. i've read james before, but this time. this time God just gave me a new insight and wow.

i don't even know if any of this made any sense to anyone because i'm just raving about God and james and how much i love Him and the bible. but i mean, if you want to talk to me about it feel free and stuff.

ending thought: God is so good to me. i don't know how i would be able to be happy without him. i don't think i could be.

pain

so bear with me here. it's late, i'm tired, and already writing about the furry things living in the woods unintentionally. speaking of woods that is what brought on my musings this afternoon-i mean to say i began musing whilst hiking.

i was thinking about the pain of childbirth. worst pain i have ever been in. can't even describe it. and the thing is, i don't know if i can't describe it because it's something you have to experience for yourself to understand (i'm sure this is true), but i also don't think i could describe it because it is hard to remember. i can't think of the pain of childbirth and begin to feel it again. it's just impossible to remember physical pain in the same way we remember emotional pain. take my dear friend lemony snicket. he says

"grief, a type of sadness that most often occurs when you have lost someone you love, is a sneaky thing, because it can disappear for a long time, and then pop back up when you least expect it."

why is it that emotional pain doesn't fade like physical pain does? we can remember that getting our hand slammed in a door hurts, but our hand doesn't hurt. but if we remember the death of a loved one or our lost love our hearts may begin to feel just the way they had when the emotional pain occurred.

maybe because emotional pain is in our heads, and our heads can't heal when what brings on the pain is thinking. how can we stop thinking? it'd be like trying to heal a broken leg while walking on it. it isn't going to work. and maybe that's why they say time heals all wounds, but if time really does heal all wounds why do i still cry about losing chelsea once in a while?

can we ever really heal our hearts? no. we're constantly walking on the broken leg. maybe we can eventually ignore the pain when we walk, or get used to it i suppose, but we're still broken.

to me, it's just another reminder that i need jesus to take care of me. i need to trust him to help me with this pain and carry me, because i am probably going to keep walking on this broken leg.

trust

i always forget that God is going to take care of me-that He is taking care of me. i get distracted by events/emotions/people until i'm drowning in worry and doubt. i need a daily reminder that

1. God is good.
2. God loves me.
3. God isn't ever going to let me down.

<3

family

i've been thinking about what that word means. the dictionary has about a thousand definitions of a family, and i think the one i find myself being drawn to is this:

"a group of persons who form a household under one head."

i like this definition because it means that i don't have to put family in a box. what i mean to say is, this version of family is a version that isn't limited, it is one i can create. "a group of persons." i can make that! i can bring together a group of persons.

i have so many doubts about family these days. certain events and perceptions have made me question what family means. maybe i have had it all wrong my whole life.

to me...family isn't the guy who left when i was a few months old, who doesn't speak to me or even know if i'm still alive or not.

it isn't about blood.

and how can it be? family is about who is there for you. family isn't just who raised you, but it's who you choose to make a part of your home. family can be friends. hell, family could be a dog. family should be the people you love, no matter who they are. blood or no blood. (in the genetic sense of course.)

my dad is the guy who decided to adopt me. he's my family. he's not in any way genetically my father, but he's my dad-because he chose to be. maybe i'm too unconventional in imagining a world where blood isn't important, but boy do i feel like we're put back into medieval times when i think of blood lines being more important than the relationships we have (and could potentially have) with one another.

i love the entire half of my family that has no blood connection. i don't feel as though they are less my family than the ones i do have blood connections too. maybe i'm thinking about family a lot because i have just started a new one. and i guess i'm just shaken because i hoped to have a larger one. i still want a larger one. but if i'm the only one out there who thinks blood doesn't have to carry the weight of the world that dream isn't ever going to happen.

and that's okay. i just... i don't know. i want family to mean something more to everyone. we're all a part of God's family. why can't we be part of each others?

single thought

you got a dream, you gotta protect it. people can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. if you want something, go get it. period.

-the pursuit of happyness (2006)

new

heard this the other week and thought of it and wanted to share it. i'll paraphrase of course.

lets say you're a chain smoker. you've been smoking since you were 16. you smoke a pack a day. lets say by about 27 you decided you would stop smoking because it's bad for you. by the age of 31 you have been diagnosed with some sort of lung disease or something. well crap. you don't like this. you were hoping on living a while longer. so your lungs are giving out because you smoked. they're dying, breaking, whatever; they aren't going to be able to help you breath pretty soon. so you're in the hospital now and they put you on a donor list for some lungs, and tell you that if you don't get new lungs you've got like 6 months to live or something. but lucky you, someone donates you a pair of lungs, and you get these new lungs and you are healthy.

question: are you going to go smoke again and ruin this new pair of lungs?
answer: no.

you're going to take care of them. well hey, we're all like that in a way. we've got this life and we totally mess it up. we lie, steal, cheat, are mean to people, don't respect our family, you name it. we are all doing terrible awful things that not only hurt us, but it hurts those around us at times as well. but there is this cool dude named jesus who is totally like "hey, i can give you new life and you can follow me and it will be awesome. i love you more than anyone else ever has. you should totally accept this gift i want to give you."

but so many times we take this gift of a new life and just start doing the same old things. (we get new lungs and start smoking again.) why would we ruin the new pair of lungs? we wouldn't. so why are we ruining the new life we get? we could be like "cool jesus. i love you too, and i don't really want to have this life where all i do is sin and hurt myself and others. maybe you could help me out and teach me how to be a better person." in fact, we should do that. if we wouldn't ruin lungs, shouldn't we value life a bit more and not ruin that either?

just something i was thinking about...

actions vs words

i've been thinking a lot about actions and words. the common phrase we all know, "actions speak louder than words," is hitting home pretty hard tonight. i remember a few years ago when i was describing the actions of a friend to a new friend of mine. i remember their shock when i told them the person i described was a friend. they responded by telling me that the person i described wasn't a friend at all.

i don't even remember what the person had done, but i remember the actions being the part that stood out. the part that mattered. how often do we examine our actions? how many times have i said one thing and done another? sometimes i think we're all hypocrites by nature, and we have to actively be trying to do what we believe in--it just doesn't come naturally.

why is that? is it hard for everyone to do what they believe in? does everyone struggle to back up what they say? am i the only one who says i love others and then put myself first and ignore everyone else's needs? should we even be allowed to say these things if our actions aren't backing up what we say?

i'm tired of my words not reflecting my actions. we're all just living huge lives of lies by continuing this pattern of actions not reflecting words. i need to remind myself what it means to love others, and then let my actions do the talking...

jack frost

winter. it's always been my favorite. i love the snowmen and snow angels and snow forts. even the snowball fights. i love it. i love being snowed in. i love going ice skating. i love the excuse for a fire in the fireplace. i love hot cocoa. i love shoveling snow, it's true. most of all i love falling into a huge drift of snow and just staring at the sky or trees or whatever and breathing in the air. the clean air. it's perfect air, the snow filled air.

sure, i am freezing 90% of the time, sometimes my hands feel like they're going to fall off, my nose runs while my eyes burn, my teeth never stop chattering, i have to wear five times more clothes than normal, i can't drive anywhere because i'm either snowed in or the roads are dangerous, i fall on every patch of ice that crosses my path, and my dog has to wear sweaters so she doesn't die, but being around something i love so much is worth all the discomfort in the world.

i would rather freeze my buns off than not have winter at all.

thank you, lord, for winter. <3

compare/contrast

i've noticed that many people don't like to be compared to others. the example that came to mind is how many new couples don't want their significant other to compare them to an ex boyfriend or girlfriend.

but we all do it. everyone compares. we compare professors. we compare friends. we compare apartments and roommates. we are even taught in class to compare and contrast different books and ideas. so why is it that we don't like to be compared to one another? if we do this all the time, shouldn't we begin to expect comparisons?

and is it bad to compare? if we didn't compare we'd have nothing to go off of when we were searching for a new mate. by comparing the new to the old we can figure out if we are even capable of being attached to the new. at the same time if we're on the end of being compared we are hurt by it. we don't want it to happen. we like to say we would never compare.

is it because we feel threatened by the comparison? maybe we think we won't live up to the ex? maybe we aren't as pretty/smart/funny/choose-your-adjective as the ex. comparisons are going to happen. that, at least, is a guarantee.

i wish i had an answer on whether or not i think it's a good or bad idea. i think maybe it's just something we just have to learn to accept--a don't ask don't tell kind of thing. i won't tell you that i'm comparing you to my dead best friend if you won't tell me you're comparing me to your ex-girlfriend of 5 years.

on love

so as i was driving home from waverly tonight i began to think about the following bible verse:

“you have heard the law that says, love your neighbor and hate your enemy. but I say, love your enemies! pray for those who persecute you!" matthew 5:43-44

and i realized that sometimes it's harder for me to love the people who mean the most to me. i think it's easier to love my enemies because when i'm loving my enemy i have a particular attitude towards them. i don't hold an enemy to a high standard. i expect them to be mean, hurtful, and not good for me. when an enemy says something that has the potential to hurt my feelings i can quickly recover because i know they're "just like that." (i'm sure i could talk about my perception of that and whether or not it is accurate, but tonight i'm going to focus on love.)

so why is it harder to love the people who mean the most to me? because i expect them to be there for me. i trust them to not hurt my heart when i give it to them. (if i put eggs in your basket i do it with the intention that you aren't going to drop any of my eggs.) i hold them to high standards, unlike my enemies. and like my enemies, my loved ones will eventually hurt me. except that, when they hurt me it cuts deeper because they know me inside and out.

it's hard to love a person who isn't my enemy after they have cut me deeper than any enemy ever could. it hurts more. i care more. i want to change for them. it's also hard to come to the realization that there are people out there who have a hard time loving me because i have hurt them deeply, like only a friend can.

if love is supposed to be unconditional why do we attach strings? there are times when i think that rather than attaching strings i'm the one being strung up and along. i suppose everyone takes either role at some point in their life.

either way, there is one thing that has been made clear to me tonight:

hate is easy. and love takes courage.

journey

i've been doing a lot of thinking about where i'm going.

in a literal sense i will still be at waldorf for another year. going to hold out on graduating until spring of 2011. i'm hoping the extra semester will help me re-prioritize some of my larger goals. help me focus on what is important in my life. i need to figure that out again... plans have changed and shifted over the last month, and i've forgotten (again) how to be alone and content.

the idea of becoming published continues to mess with my mind, and i've been thinking that is definitely somewhere i want to go. i've actually been writing a lot about my past for my non-fiction class. even though writing about it is...challenging to say the least, these stories hold some of my best writing. i hate the irony of it though. i don't know if it's funny or sad that the life i couldn't have is the reason i will be able to accomplish this major life goal.

i've also been thinking about where i am going with god. i haven't been trusting him recently. i've been depending on other people for happiness/satisfaction. and while other people are capable of helping me perk up my mood once in a while, it's inevitable that they'll let me down at some point. just like i will (and have) let them down.

the only one who never fails is god, and i just ignore him half the time. sometimes i wonder if the reason for the changes in my life have been put there by him. i need to depend on him more. trust him more. i think my journey with god is long overdue. and while i am not sure what that journey entails i know i just need to let go and let him take the wheel.